Ill. he and hailey held their breath as if Id take it back. I hold my breath too. I wait for my body to say, no, this was a trick. Its not real. you dont deserve this. But its not saying that. Not yet at least.
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I would get sick. I would end up in the same wheelchair ive ended too thesis many trips. I would slow them down. They go off together on adventures and i am sad but relieved. ive missed many trips. I missed the first time my daughter saw Japan. I watched them on FaceTime from my self-imposed jail as they explore the world. But I will not miss the first time she sees english Europe. Because it will be the first time i see europe too. I think it surprised Victor, how quickly i said okay. you know what?
And it makes my heart swell and break at the same time. But I will take this. I dont want to lose. It feels so shaky. like holding on presentation to magic you know cant be real. My husband mentions traveling this summerthe beginning of the same argument we have had for years. I cant travel. Its too taxing.
Its going to be okay. Not perfect, never perfectbut we will be okay even when were not okay. Even when were wanting to be better than we are. Its okay to take a breath. To love and apple celebrate and smile and mourn and dance and cry and start all over again. After a sunday of driving and shopping and dealing with real live people in the owl loud world I come home and i am so surprised to find that i am not exhausted. My daughter tells my husband how much we did. Mom did so great! As if i am the child.
But suddenly Im reminded that there are more people who i know who care, who are empathetic, who fight for others in quiet and loud ways. I see that i am not alone. I see how terrible it would be to feel the terror of the world by myselfand how heartening it is that I can see so many people doing small and beautiful things to make the world better. Im reminded (for the first time it feels like) of how alone i would feel if I was the only one who felt disconsolate or frustrated. Im reminded of how lucky i am to be surrounded by people around the world who care about others. Who are here for each other. I think i knew all this before. But mental illness changes knowing and believing into two very different things and I can breathe for a moment and know that it will be okay. Its an epiphany that brings me such relief.
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And maybe thats for the best because it means that i appreciate how much mental illness takes from me when it is present and how much its worth fighting for relief. Even with list it hiding i know it is a terrible monster I will always fear. When this monster shows its face i fear the world, i fear myself. I loathe the terrible things that I see and i am too paralyzed to even discuss the news write items that stick in my head. My dr tells me its not safe for me to dwell on these things and its truemy intrusive, compulsive thoughts makes me obsess about terrible things that happen in the world. She reminds me that it will suck away my life if i allow myself to be paralyzed with fear and dread. I am not built for rebellion.
Not yet. She reminds me to look for the good in the world because it is real even if it doesnt get the same press and this is a very good idea for people with broken brains, but mine keeps repeating Its not enough. Were all going to die. The world is awful and i am a part. But now, today, its saying something different. It says that the world is a terrible place sometimes. And filled with terrible people who can change.
Normally i struggle with simple things. I make strange choices. The strength is takes to shower or the energy it takes to eat? you dont get both so choose wisely. Every action takes such workas if living with mental illness is like waking to a new different disability each day. Someone else could quickly do the simple tasks of the day but i am hobbled.
It can take hours for me to do what could be done in a good day in minutes. But not today. Today i feel strong. I feel guilty for being able to leave the house without xanax to dull the worldfor being able to accomplish the things that normal people do every day. And I feel angry that this comes so easily. I shouldnt. I should feel lucky and blessed but then I remind myself that its not just happiness coming s all of the emotions. It feels like cheating, like im on some illegal drug or cheating somewhowstealing these emotions I forgot were so strong.
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Yes, we can play a game. Yes, Ill read to you. YesIm enjoying this too. It was the most ive done in a single day inlonger than I can remember. And instead of ending the day feeling rung-out and empty and raw I feltnormal? Is this what normal shredder looks like? Because if it is I want this.
The iqbal furiously fast drilling on the left side of my brain where my depression lives: *breathe* *remember to breathe i feel different. On Sunday i think i looked almost like a normal person. I was still scared. With each step i knew I could fall back, that the exhaustion and fatigue and anxiety could hit me at any second. My daughter knew tooand she was amazed at each step I took. Yes, we can go get lunch. Yes, Ill take you to get new shorts. Yes, we can go to the mall, the candy shop, the book store. Yes, we can swim and listen to show tunes and sing.
instead of feeling like my mental illness is being beaten into submission each session, it feels different. I feel the pulses shooting goodness into my head. Its worth the pain, i think. The slow tapping on the right side of my brain where my anxiety lives. It whispers with each pulse: you. will. BE. stronger.
Sponsoring a child in need will profoundly change the future for your child, and will change your own life as well. Every day i have it drilled in my headfiguratively. And now sort of literally. My 15th session of transcranial magnetic stimulation was yesterday. My 16th, 17th, 18th and 19th this week. Another 20 lay ahead. They still hurt a little, the magnets drilling and tapping so loudly i have to wear earplugs.with
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Your tax-deductible contribution of just 38 a month connects a child living in poverty with a loving, church-based Child Sponsorship Program. Your support provides: Medical checkups, which often save lives, nutritious food, health and hygiene training. Educational assistance, access to special services like surgeries and disaster relief. Mentoring to help children discover their incredible value as Gods children. Most important of all, your sponsored child will hear about Jesus Christ and be encouraged to develop a lifelong relationship with God. When you sponsor a child, you'll receive your child's photo, personal story and a child sponsorship packet by mail in approximately 10 days. When children find out they've been sponsored, the joy they feel is indescribable. Just knowing that someone across the globe cares means more than thesis you can imagine.